Sometimes It Hurts
by il-sole-le-stelle
Summary: sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead


He found her in the library, in the armchair right at the corner of the wide room. Deeply engrossed in reading, she did not notice him walking over to her. He wondered which book had captured all her attention that she wasn't aware of what was going on around her; this was something rather unusual as she normally turned her to look at him before he could even call out her name.

She exhaled in exasperation as she shut the book and placed it on the left-most stack on the table in front of her, with a little too much force. Picking up another book from the stack on the right, she continued leafing through pages, with a distraught expression on her face. As she flipped the book, dust clouds puffed up, causing him to cough slightly. It was then that she realized he was behind her, looking over her shoulder intently.

"I didn't hear you come in, Jem," she said as she continued reading, without looking at him.

"You were too engrossed. What are you looking for?" he inquired. "I may be of assistance if it has something to do with Shadowhunting."

"Nothing much." She evaded his question.

"I notice that all your books are on potions or demonology. If it's something important, perhaps it will be easier if two people are searching for it."

She kept quiet, and continued flipping till the end of the book before she looked up at the table in front of her. There was not a single book in the stack on the right and she exhaled again, frustrated. Standing up, she grabbed the books on the left stack and turned to the shelves at the side of the room.

"Tessa," he called her. "What are you looking for?"

"Answers," she replied.

"Answers to?"

"Books always have the answers, if you search for them in the right places. I don't understand why I can't find it," she said, as she put the books back on the shelves. "I've been searching for so many days, I'm almost halfway through the books in this library, yet the answer escapes me. I don't understand." Reaching out to remove a book from the shelf, Jem caught her wrist and stopped her midway.

"Tessa, you're not making any sense. What answers are you searching for?" He turned her to face him, concern evident in his eyes. As he spoke, she sensed the agitation and worry in his voice. "These few days, you disappear right after meals, and don't return to your room until the dead of night. What is going on? Is Will in trouble?"

"It has nothing to do with Will." She looked away.

"Then?"

"I'm aware of what's happening, Jem, even if people are not telling me. Especially you."

"I'm not sure if I'm following your train of thought."

"Your illness, it's worsening, isn't it?" She finally looked him in the eye. "The medication, it isn't working."

"No, it isn't." He looked away as he answered her. "It hasn't been working since the time the Magister attacked the Institute. I didn't want to worry anyone, in light of what has happened and will happen."

"We're not oblivious, Jem. If we don't ask, it doesn't mean that we don't know. I've noticed that your coughing fits and dizzy spells have increased in the last few weeks. It used to be once a fortnight, but now it's once or twice a week. I don't understand why this is happening, and I need answers."

"Tessa, it's pointless. We've searched, everyone has searched. No one knows why this illness is so unpredictable, why it's deteriorating faster than expected and how long I'll live. But perhaps it's almost time." He shook his head wistfully. "Rather than spending the time I have on things like this, I'd rather find something meaningful to pursue."

"It's not pointless, James Carstairs! It's your life we're talking about. We can't afford to lose you, Will can't lose his parabatai, it'll break him completely. I can't afford to lose someone like you!" She sank to her knees, tears streaming down her face. "You're someone dear to me, I can't imagine what will happen if you're gone."

He knelt down in front of her and brushed her tears lightly off her cheek. "Why are you crying over this? Death isn't something fearful. Everyone dies-" He paused, as though he remembered something, that she was a warlock and immortal. "In some way."

"I don't believe there isn't an answer out there," she said in between sobs. "It doesn't make sense."

"Many things in this world do not make sense, Tessa. I often ask myself why this happened to me, but no one knows. And perhaps it's just a sad truth of life. I know I don't have much time, and I-" He stopped suddenly, and she looked up at him, waiting for him to continue. Instead, he leaned forward such that there was barely any space left in between both of them.

"Jem, why did you-" She did not finish her sentence, as he pressed his lips to hers softly. It took some time before she could react, her lips parted slightly as she returned his kiss. Her tears still flowing, she tasted the saltiness. That came with a sensation of warmth that was slowly spreading from her lips down towards her stomach. She had thought only Will could make her feel like that, but Jem, her loyal and steadfast friend, she never expected it. Opening her eyes, she saw that his cheeks were tear-stained as well, from his or her tears, she didn't know.

Pulling back slowly, his gaze was still on her. He smiled weakly and said, "I hope I didn't startle you too much."

She shook her head, fingering her lips absent-mindedly. The feel of his kiss still lingered and she, surprisingly, liked the feel of it.

"I have feelings for you, Tessa. I want you to know before it's too late."

Wiping her tears from her cheek, she said, "I don't know if I can reciprocate these feelings, but you do know that I've always seen you as a really good friend."

"I know, Tessa. We all have wishes and hopes, but not all of them will be fulfilled. But that doesn't mean we should stop hoping." Placing his hand on top of hers, they sat together quietly on the floor as she pored over more books.

_sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead._


End file.
